I’m watching American Pie on Comedy Central (the 1 a.m. version doesn’t have the f-words edited out, score), and they keep playing commercials for the Turbo Snake, this tool for cleaning your pipes that looks like a big mascara wand. I have a weird thing about cleaning out gunk—it’s just a very attractive concept to me. Like, I think about an angioplasty and I’m like, “yes, I would like to apply this concept to several areas of my life.” Make some space, clean things out, get things running smoothly again: what’s not to like? At some point in the last few months I was cleaning my bathroom sink sans Turbo Snake and managed to pull out the grossest little chain of hair, gunk and detritus I’d ever seen, something akin to the “black snake” you hear about it in connection with food cleanses. It was a proud moment for me.
All of this is my way of saying I’d like a Turbo Snake for my life. I just need to clean things out and start over. I can’t even describe how unhappy I’ve been lately. My latest indignity came when I was accused of “falsifying” information on my resume, and reader, the accusation wasn’t altogether untrue. Ever since then, I’ve been trying to think of movie characters that have been in worse straits than myself. When Drew Barrymore impersonated a 17-year-old and sorta betrayed Michael Vartan in NBK, he forgave her. People can forgive a lot. I’m not a drug addict, and even if I were and this was rock bottom, I could come back from it. I need to motivate myself to come back from this. I need to just Turbo Snake this and all the bad stuff out of my system and make good things happen for myself. Let’s doooo this.
